Facing the Truth

 

Growth begins with honesty and end with action. 

Dear Me, 

You pushed David away with your repeated behavior. He got meaner and meaner because your behavior caused him stress and he couldn't take it anymore.  You know what happened and what you did. 

He did a lot of things wrong. He is responsible for his own behavior and his reactions. But this is about you, not him.  You are responsible for your own reactions and behavior. Ask God to reveal what needs to be changed and ask him to help you change it.

Mathew 6:33. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. And all these things shall be added until you.  

Do the work.   

Moving forward.

 August 05,2026

Wednesday 

I am going to meet with J about volunteering with the kids at church.  We are meeting at 5:00 this evening.  Then there is a church meal upstairs and then a church service. I like Wednesday night church better than Sunday.  It is more informal.  I don't know what will happen with this. I am hoping that this will be a good experience. I love working with kids. 

Friday I am going to a couple's house to sit with his wife while he goes to work.  She has Parkison's disease.  I have never done that before. Well, that's not true.  A long time ago when I was getting my bachelor's degree, I had to do a practicum where I was a hospice volunteer. I would sit with hospice patients in their homes and also in nursing homes.  It has been a while. I hope I do a good job and she likes me. I do have a medical background, but I am not a nurse or a home health caregiver.

This is not a full-time job.   I am still looking for full-time work.  I am praying. Sometimes I get really discouraged but I know that God is working in my life and that he will open doors for me.  I am very impatient though.  I am trying not to be.  But on Saturday it will be 4 months since I started looking. 

The other day I broke my 3 and a half month Facebook absence and posted.  I posted a storm cloud I had taken a pic of.   

 

Storm Cloud over Loop 335 

I was driving and having a hard time because of the breakup.  Then I noticed a storm moving in. I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw this awesome storm. I did a U-turn and snapped it.  So anyway, I posted this.  I don't know what made me post again.  I felt like I wanted to get back to normal. But it stirred up a lot of feelings and made me feel vulnerable.  David never unfriended me on social media. I haven't been checking his page. I just don't want to know what he's doing. I will never check his page. Not unless he reaches out. 

I was afraid when I posted that he would click like or comment.  I was also afraid that he wouldn't. 

Well, he didn't.  I feel sad.  Even though I know that he isn't good for me. I just can't accept it. I still want to fight for us.  I still do not want to give up. I just know that we could make it. 

Deep down inside me I was hoping that he was still checking up on me. 

He still likes his ex-wife's posts. He still talks to her and sees her all the time. 

He still likes his ex-fiancés posts when she posts stuff. 

So, he has two ex-fiancés.   Until the whole shooting incident, he was still talking to his first ex-fiancé and seeing her once a week.  He can't like her posts now because she has a 50-year restraining order against him.  But, if she didn't, I am sure he would still be in contact with her. He is still friends with his ex from before he got married. 

So why not me?   

When we broke up and he was engaged to Tammy, he blocked me for her.  But when she dumped him, and we got back together, he refused to block her for me.  I know it's petty.  However, my feelings aren't petty.  My feelings are important and that made me feel like I was not as good as all of his other exes. 

Why am I not good enough to be friends?

Why do I care?  I sound like a whiny baby.  

Get over it already!  

He is addicted to porn. 

He paid for sex with prostitutes.

He paid for sex with massage girls. 

He exposed himself on the street to innocent women without their consent.

At least that is what he told me in the confession letter that he wrote to me when he was in jail.  

That is the only proof I have.  And I still have that letter.  I am the only ones who knows. 

Why did he tell me?  Is it true?   Or did he make it up as a test to see if I would stay with him? 

His family does not know.  His exes do not know. Including his ex-wife. 

His counselor does not know.  

This is a man where the most important thing to him is his image. 

Why?

I failed. Miserably. 

I was driving for Uber eats.  I had to go down sixth street to get to the place I had to deliver.  Sixth street is a cool street with antique shops and biker bars and quaint little restaurants. The last time I was there I was with David.  So, it was hard to drive down it and relive the happy memories. When I was driving and trying not to cry, I thought I saw him.  

David lives 6 hours away in Truth or Consequences, NM so the chances of him being in Amarillo are very low.  But it looked just like him.  The guy wore his hat and sunglasses the same.  He had on a similar shirt that David wears all the time.  His body was nearly identical to Davids.  Stocky and overweight.  The guy was holding hands with a girl.  

I had to keep driving. But I wanted to go back and see if it was him.  My mind started going a million miles a minute. I started to think that I needed to know for sure if he was dating someone new from Amarillo.  I wanted to know if there was a chance I might run into him.  I don't want that.  

The only thing I could think to do was to check his Facebook profile. I argued with myself. I stared at his profile pic.  I kept telling myself no.  I haven't checked his Facebook since we broke up 4 months ago.  I was so proud of myself for staying in no contact. My goal was to stay in no contact indefinitely or until he reached out. 

I gave in. I looked. 

He's in a new relationship with a girl named Lauren.  She looks half his age. Fortunately, she lives in the same town as him so the chances of seeing him here in Texas are still very low to non-existent. 

They made their relationship public on July 5.  Who knows when they started going out. It's only been 4 months!!!  I am devastated.  But at the same time, I knew this was going to happen. 

He did the same thing in 2025.  We broke up in November of 2024 and by January he was with Tammy.  By March they were engaged and 8 months later she dumped him and he ran back to me. 

The first time he dumped me in 2023, he ran back to his ex-fiancé Karen and then ended up in jail for shooting the dude she was cheating on him with. 

He hasn't unfriended me on Facebook.  He hasn't deleted any of the pics or posts about me on his page. 

My pic is no longer on the featured 6 friends that show up due to the algorithm. 

But his pic is on mine.  😡 It makes me so mad because I have to see it when I go to my page. 

Sometimes it disappears for a few days, but it always comes back.  Why????   And now that I have checked his page, it will probably never disappear!

How does he find girls so fast?  How???  I don't want him happy. I want him to be miserable like I am. He's fat! He's a felon!  He's a sex addict and possibly a narcissist! Why???????????????????

He has friends and a good family and a job and a girlfriend. 

I know I should stop comparing.  But it's hard being the loser. 

I am so angry. I want to beat him up.  I want to warn the new girl.  

They will probably get engaged and get married. 

But I won't know because I am never checking his page again!

Should I block him? I have been thinking about that for the last few days.  I can't decide. 

Part of me wants to block him and go on with my life. 

Why am I holding on?   

Part of me wants to become the girl he can't get - I want to show him all the weight I lose ... I want him to see how great I became... how I have this wonderful life ... (even though it's a lie) 

But am I performing for an empty auditorium? He doesn't care.  He has erased me from his life. 

Why hasn't he unfriended me on Facebook?   Well, he didn't unfriend any of his exes. 

     I already know what they will say.  Do it for yourself. Not for some man who doesn't a care about you at all.  He has moved on. He does not want me.  I will never hear from him again.  

He has moved on. He does not want me.  I will never hear from him again. 

He has moved on.  He does not want me. I will never hear from him again. 

How many times do I have to tell myself that until it finally clicks?

Girl, you are over here beating yourself up about him, missing him, crying over him, letting him disrupt your life.  While is out there with someone new, living his life and not giving you a second thought. He is living rent free in your head. EVICT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     

A brand-new start

I can do this. 

I did cardio and abs work out today.  I still have thoughts that I'm doing this to show David that .... what ........what he lost?  I don't think that's healthy. I need to do this for me.  To prove to myself that I can be the best version of me. At least the best version of me that I can afford. 

So yes. That.  But a part of me wants to show him that I can be someone that he can't get. 

But I've read a lot about men and the truth is, I don't think he cares. I highly doubt that he thinks about me at all. He's happy I'm gone. 

I haven't let myself check his social media. I don't want to know if he is with someone new.  

We are still Facebook friends. I haven't posted anything on Facebook since before I left on April 11. I think I posted on April 10 when I changed my background photo.  I think about posting sometimes, but I'm just not ready.  I have a lot of stuff to post though.  I can post them on here. Of course no one will see them since this blog is private. 

So, what is it about validation from other people and how it makes us feel about ourselves? This world is all about validation from people.  We should be getting our validation from God. 

But its lonely. I'm lonely. 

I have no real friends to speak of.  I have no job.  No boyfriend.  No savings. No retirement.  I don't have my own place. 

I really screwed up my life.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to go work at Walmart.  No one will hire me. I've been on interviews for jobs I am more than qualified to fill. I've applied to jobs I am more than qualified to fill.  But no one will hire me.  It's been 3 and a half months.  I'm starting to think that everyone hates me in this town.  Someone has blacklisted me. 

Sometimes I think I should have stayed in New Mexico. At least I had a job. I could have rented a little place. But I would have been in that little town, and David would still be there.  And his family. And the woman who I told to stay away from my boyfriend.  I didn't think I could face them. I am so ashamed of how I acted.   And I would have run into David because the town is tiny.  And I would have seen him with his new girl. 

Maybe I should have stayed.  My mom didn't think that was a good idea. And my counselor doesn't think it was a good idea to stay. 

I hate staying with my parents!!!   There is no peace in this house. 

I have to admit it.  I think about suicide on a daily basis. 

Maybe things will get better. 

Maybe God is working in my life.  

No, I know he is working in my life. 

But I seriously hate my life right now.  This is not fun. But it's my fault. 

I am dealing with 4 major things. 

1. Grief 

2. Unemployment

3.Social Isolation 

4. Loss of Independence

All the while trying to re-define myself to become the best version of myself. 

Grief because I had to walk away from the man I love.  Grief is hard.  Grief is messy. 

Unemployment because I gave up my job and moved back home.  And dealing with unemployment means dealing with rejection after rejection after rejection.  It's a major blow to a self-esteem that is already damaged by the breakup. 

Social Isolation because I have no friends.  But that's a whole other story.  I used to belong to a book club with a group of girls I used to work with, but I don't have a lot of money to go to their functions right now. Also, none of them are calling to see if I'm okay.  I know they have their own lives.  But I don't think I was any one's favorite person.  I am the invisible one that no one thinks about, and I don't know how to fix that.  This also affects my self-esteem.  It's not fun to imagine that no one anywhere likes you.  Even or especially when it's your own fault. 

Loss of Independence because I have no job and I have to stay with my parents until I can get one and get back on my feet. Also, because they are toxic and have serious issues and are always fighting. 

 

Remember- An exercise to help stop romanticizing the relationship.

Remember

 He got mad because he didn't like the way I was walking down the path.  He wanted me to walk in the center of the path and I kept veering off. He got mad and refused to continue the walk and went back to the car. (He was already mad at me because I was feeling jealous about his ex-wife)

 He yelled at me when I accidentally dropped the jar of pickles and it shattered. We were going to the easter get together with his family and he doesn't like being late. 

He left me in the driveway and went to the family birthday celebration without me just because I didn't like the way I looked and said, "I guess" when he asked if I was ready to go.  He had text me about the get together while I was at work.  And I said I could go in my scrubs so we wouldn't be late, but he said no I could come and change first. It took me 7 minutes to get home.  But he was already annoyed when I got home because he thought it took me forever and so he started rushing me. 

He paid for sex with prostitutes in his past

He paid for sex with massage workers. 

He exposed himself on the street to women without their consent. 

He chases validation from women.

Validation from me wasn't enough. He had to have it from all women. 

 He told me again and again that he was going to get help after he got out of jail for his sexual addiction and he never did. 

He has an untreated sexual addiction. 

He is addicted to porn.  I was never enough, even though I never said no. 

When he was installing the faucet and when we were putting the bed together, he yelled at me and made me feel stupid because I wasn't helping him "right".  I'd never seen that side of him.  This caused me to burst into tears and leave the house and then do some crazy things because he just didn't care. 

He stayed friends with every single ex-wife, fiancé, and girlfriend.  And that he had sex with half of his female Facebook friends and sees all of them on a regular basis because it's such a small town.  

He refused to let me see his phone. Even though I was more than willing to hand over my own phone. 

Karen asked for a lifetime restraining order against him and received it. 

The order for that restraining order, which I did read, stated that one of the reasons she wanted it was because he HAD tried to contact her again. And when I asked him if he had tried to contact her, he said no.  I have no proof that he did.  I only have Karen's word.  

He got mad and yelled at me in Albuquerque because I wasn't helping him navigate correctly when we were trying to find the restaurant.  

Confession letter written by David while he was in the Bernalillo Detention Center in Albuquerque NM