Facing the Truth

 

Growth begins with honesty and end with action. 

Dear Me, 

You pushed David away with your repeated behavior. He got meaner and meaner because your behavior caused him stress and he couldn't take it anymore.  You know what happened and what you did. 

He did a lot of things wrong. He is responsible for his own behavior and his reactions. But this is about you, not him.  You are responsible for your own reactions and behavior. Ask God to reveal what needs to be changed and ask him to help you change it.

Mathew 6:33. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. And all these things shall be added until you.  

Do the work.   

Moving forward.

 August 05,2026

Wednesday 

I am going to meet with J about volunteering with the kids at church.  We are meeting at 5:00 this evening.  Then there is a church meal upstairs and then a church service. I like Wednesday night church better than Sunday.  It is more informal.  I don't know what will happen with this. I am hoping that this will be a good experience. I love working with kids. 

Friday I am going to a couple's house to sit with his wife while he goes to work.  She has Parkison's disease.  I have never done that before. Well, that's not true.  A long time ago when I was getting my bachelor's degree, I had to do a practicum where I was a hospice volunteer. I would sit with hospice patients in their homes and also in nursing homes.  It has been a while. I hope I do a good job and she likes me. I do have a medical background, but I am not a nurse or a home health caregiver.

This is not a full-time job.   I am still looking for full-time work.  I am praying. Sometimes I get really discouraged but I know that God is working in my life and that he will open doors for me.  I am very impatient though.  I am trying not to be.  But on Saturday it will be 4 months since I started looking. 

The other day I broke my 3 and a half month Facebook absence and posted.  I posted a storm cloud I had taken a pic of.   

 

Storm Cloud over Loop 335 

I was driving and having a hard time because of the breakup.  Then I noticed a storm moving in. I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw this awesome storm. I did a U-turn and snapped it.  So anyway, I posted this.  I don't know what made me post again.  I felt like I wanted to get back to normal. But it stirred up a lot of feelings and made me feel vulnerable.  David never unfriended me on social media. I haven't been checking his page. I just don't want to know what he's doing. I will never check his page. Not unless he reaches out. 

I was afraid when I posted that he would click like or comment.  I was also afraid that he wouldn't. 

Well, he didn't.  I feel sad.  Even though I know that he isn't good for me. I just can't accept it. I still want to fight for us.  I still do not want to give up. I just know that we could make it. 

Deep down inside me I was hoping that he was still checking up on me. 

He still likes his ex-wife's posts. He still talks to her and sees her all the time. 

He still likes his ex-fiancés posts when she posts stuff. 

So, he has two ex-fiancés.   Until the whole shooting incident, he was still talking to his first ex-fiancé and seeing her once a week.  He can't like her posts now because she has a 50-year restraining order against him.  But, if she didn't, I am sure he would still be in contact with her. He is still friends with his ex from before he got married. 

So why not me?   

When we broke up and he was engaged to Tammy, he blocked me for her.  But when she dumped him, and we got back together, he refused to block her for me.  I know it's petty.  However, my feelings aren't petty.  My feelings are important and that made me feel like I was not as good as all of his other exes. 

Why am I not good enough to be friends?

Why do I care?  I sound like a whiny baby.  

Get over it already!  

He is addicted to porn. 

He paid for sex with prostitutes.

He paid for sex with massage girls. 

He exposed himself on the street to innocent women without their consent.

At least that is what he told me in the confession letter that he wrote to me when he was in jail.  

That is the only proof I have.  And I still have that letter.  I am the only ones who knows. 

Why did he tell me?  Is it true?   Or did he make it up as a test to see if I would stay with him? 

His family does not know.  His exes do not know. Including his ex-wife. 

His counselor does not know.  

This is a man where the most important thing to him is his image. 

Why?

I failed. Miserably. 

I was driving for Uber eats.  I had to go down sixth street to get to the place I had to deliver.  Sixth street is a cool street with antique shops and biker bars and quaint little restaurants. The last time I was there I was with David.  So, it was hard to drive down it and relive the happy memories. When I was driving and trying not to cry, I thought I saw him.  

David lives 6 hours away in Truth or Consequences, NM so the chances of him being in Amarillo are very low.  But it looked just like him.  The guy wore his hat and sunglasses the same.  He had on a similar shirt that David wears all the time.  His body was nearly identical to Davids.  Stocky and overweight.  The guy was holding hands with a girl.  

I had to keep driving. But I wanted to go back and see if it was him.  My mind started going a million miles a minute. I started to think that I needed to know for sure if he was dating someone new from Amarillo.  I wanted to know if there was a chance I might run into him.  I don't want that.  

The only thing I could think to do was to check his Facebook profile. I argued with myself. I stared at his profile pic.  I kept telling myself no.  I haven't checked his Facebook since we broke up 4 months ago.  I was so proud of myself for staying in no contact. My goal was to stay in no contact indefinitely or until he reached out. 

I gave in. I looked. 

He's in a new relationship with a girl named Lauren.  She looks half his age. Fortunately, she lives in the same town as him so the chances of seeing him here in Texas are still very low to non-existent. 

They made their relationship public on July 5.  Who knows when they started going out. It's only been 4 months!!!  I am devastated.  But at the same time, I knew this was going to happen. 

He did the same thing in 2025.  We broke up in November of 2024 and by January he was with Tammy.  By March they were engaged and 8 months later she dumped him and he ran back to me. 

The first time he dumped me in 2023, he ran back to his ex-fiancé Karen and then ended up in jail for shooting the dude she was cheating on him with. 

He hasn't unfriended me on Facebook.  He hasn't deleted any of the pics or posts about me on his page. 

My pic is no longer on the featured 6 friends that show up due to the algorithm. 

But his pic is on mine.  😡 It makes me so mad because I have to see it when I go to my page. 

Sometimes it disappears for a few days, but it always comes back.  Why????   And now that I have checked his page, it will probably never disappear!

How does he find girls so fast?  How???  I don't want him happy. I want him to be miserable like I am. He's fat! He's a felon!  He's a sex addict and possibly a narcissist! Why???????????????????

He has friends and a good family and a job and a girlfriend. 

I know I should stop comparing.  But it's hard being the loser. 

I am so angry. I want to beat him up.  I want to warn the new girl.  

They will probably get engaged and get married. 

But I won't know because I am never checking his page again!

Should I block him? I have been thinking about that for the last few days.  I can't decide. 

Part of me wants to block him and go on with my life. 

Why am I holding on?   

Part of me wants to become the girl he can't get - I want to show him all the weight I lose ... I want him to see how great I became... how I have this wonderful life ... (even though it's a lie) 

But am I performing for an empty auditorium? He doesn't care.  He has erased me from his life. 

Why hasn't he unfriended me on Facebook?   Well, he didn't unfriend any of his exes. 

     I already know what they will say.  Do it for yourself. Not for some man who doesn't a care about you at all.  He has moved on. He does not want me.  I will never hear from him again.  

He has moved on. He does not want me.  I will never hear from him again. 

He has moved on.  He does not want me. I will never hear from him again. 

How many times do I have to tell myself that until it finally clicks?

Girl, you are over here beating yourself up about him, missing him, crying over him, letting him disrupt your life.  While is out there with someone new, living his life and not giving you a second thought. He is living rent free in your head. EVICT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     

A brand-new start

I can do this. 

I did cardio and abs work out today.  I still have thoughts that I'm doing this to show David that .... what ........what he lost?  I don't think that's healthy. I need to do this for me.  To prove to myself that I can be the best version of me. At least the best version of me that I can afford. 

So yes. That.  But a part of me wants to show him that I can be someone that he can't get. 

But I've read a lot about men and the truth is, I don't think he cares. I highly doubt that he thinks about me at all. He's happy I'm gone. 

I haven't let myself check his social media. I don't want to know if he is with someone new.  

We are still Facebook friends. I haven't posted anything on Facebook since before I left on April 11. I think I posted on April 10 when I changed my background photo.  I think about posting sometimes, but I'm just not ready.  I have a lot of stuff to post though.  I can post them on here. Of course no one will see them since this blog is private. 

So, what is it about validation from other people and how it makes us feel about ourselves? This world is all about validation from people.  We should be getting our validation from God. 

But its lonely. I'm lonely. 

I have no real friends to speak of.  I have no job.  No boyfriend.  No savings. No retirement.  I don't have my own place. 

I really screwed up my life.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to go work at Walmart.  No one will hire me. I've been on interviews for jobs I am more than qualified to fill. I've applied to jobs I am more than qualified to fill.  But no one will hire me.  It's been 3 and a half months.  I'm starting to think that everyone hates me in this town.  Someone has blacklisted me. 

Sometimes I think I should have stayed in New Mexico. At least I had a job. I could have rented a little place. But I would have been in that little town, and David would still be there.  And his family. And the woman who I told to stay away from my boyfriend.  I didn't think I could face them. I am so ashamed of how I acted.   And I would have run into David because the town is tiny.  And I would have seen him with his new girl. 

Maybe I should have stayed.  My mom didn't think that was a good idea. And my counselor doesn't think it was a good idea to stay. 

I hate staying with my parents!!!   There is no peace in this house. 

I have to admit it.  I think about suicide on a daily basis. 

Maybe things will get better. 

Maybe God is working in my life.  

No, I know he is working in my life. 

But I seriously hate my life right now.  This is not fun. But it's my fault. 

I am dealing with 4 major things. 

1. Grief 

2. Unemployment

3.Social Isolation 

4. Loss of Independence

All the while trying to re-define myself to become the best version of myself. 

Grief because I had to walk away from the man I love.  Grief is hard.  Grief is messy. 

Unemployment because I gave up my job and moved back home.  And dealing with unemployment means dealing with rejection after rejection after rejection.  It's a major blow to a self-esteem that is already damaged by the breakup. 

Social Isolation because I have no friends.  But that's a whole other story.  I used to belong to a book club with a group of girls I used to work with, but I don't have a lot of money to go to their functions right now. Also, none of them are calling to see if I'm okay.  I know they have their own lives.  But I don't think I was any one's favorite person.  I am the invisible one that no one thinks about, and I don't know how to fix that.  This also affects my self-esteem.  It's not fun to imagine that no one anywhere likes you.  Even or especially when it's your own fault. 

Loss of Independence because I have no job and I have to stay with my parents until I can get one and get back on my feet. Also, because they are toxic and have serious issues and are always fighting. 

 

Remember- An exercise to help stop romanticizing the relationship.

Remember

 He got mad because he didn't like the way I was walking down the path.  He wanted me to walk in the center of the path and I kept veering off. He got mad and refused to continue the walk and went back to the car. (He was already mad at me because I was feeling jealous about his ex-wife)

 He yelled at me when I accidentally dropped the jar of pickles and it shattered. We were going to the easter get together with his family and he doesn't like being late. 

He left me in the driveway and went to the family birthday celebration without me just because I didn't like the way I looked and said, "I guess" when he asked if I was ready to go.  He had text me about the get together while I was at work.  And I said I could go in my scrubs so we wouldn't be late, but he said no I could come and change first. It took me 7 minutes to get home.  But he was already annoyed when I got home because he thought it took me forever and so he started rushing me. 

He paid for sex with prostitutes in his past

He paid for sex with massage workers. 

He exposed himself on the street to women without their consent. 

He chases validation from women.

Validation from me wasn't enough. He had to have it from all women. 

 He told me again and again that he was going to get help after he got out of jail for his sexual addiction and he never did. 

He has an untreated sexual addiction. 

He is addicted to porn.  I was never enough, even though I never said no. 

When he was installing the faucet and when we were putting the bed together, he yelled at me and made me feel stupid because I wasn't helping him "right".  I'd never seen that side of him.  This caused me to burst into tears and leave the house and then do some crazy things because he just didn't care. 

He stayed friends with every single ex-wife, fiancé, and girlfriend.  And that he had sex with half of his female Facebook friends and sees all of them on a regular basis because it's such a small town.  

He refused to let me see his phone. Even though I was more than willing to hand over my own phone. 

Karen asked for a lifetime restraining order against him and received it. 

The order for that restraining order, which I did read, stated that one of the reasons she wanted it was because he HAD tried to contact her again. And when I asked him if he had tried to contact her, he said no.  I have no proof that he did.  I only have Karen's word.  

He got mad and yelled at me in Albuquerque because I wasn't helping him navigate correctly when we were trying to find the restaurant.  

Confession letter written by David while he was in the Bernalillo Detention Center in Albuquerque NM

Emotionally Immature Parents

My mother: 

-Invalidates my feelings 

-Does Blame-Shifting 

-Doesn't apologize 

-Makes everything about her 

-Yells and screams 

-Slams doors 

-Unable to regulate emotions 

-Is full of hate 

I am learning so much! 

Maybe God put me here for a season so that I can confront this issue head on, recognize what is really going on and heal once and for all. It helps so much to be able to see my mother for what she is, an emotionally immature woman.  I feel like I've been lifted up out of a dark chaotic world. 

My goal is to be able to recognize her issues and work to unlearn all the incorrect ways to handle, well everything, that she has modeled to me all of my life. 

Dream Interpretation

Asking AI to interpret a dream I had last night. 

July 13, 2026  

Monday 

Today

Could you interpret a dream I had?

Absolutely — tell me what happened in the dream, and I’ll walk through the symbolism, the psychology, and the emotional patterns it might be pointing to. Dream interpretation works best when I can see the details, the mood, and anything that stood out to you.

Just describe it in your own words, even if it feels random or strange.

I was trying to find a rent house to move in to for me and my son. I found a very small two-bedroom house with one bathroom. It was very clean, but you could see the outside through the corners of the rooms. In the dream I acknowledged that this was good, but I thought I could go ahead and rent it and just fix the corners myself. I remember telling my son all about it. And I heard myself say the words, but it only has one bathroom and my son said yeah. The tone to this was that it was something we didn't want but might have to live with. We would rather have two bathrooms. Then my son and I were driving around. I wanted to show him the house. But I couldn't find it. Also, we were going to get in the car, but it was a car I don't have in real life. It looked weird. Kind of like a jeep but with a propeller on the hood. We got in and I was driving and I pushed a button and the vehicle could fly. I felt us lift off but then I took us back down. I was being cautious. I did this twice. Then the dream changed and I was at a house, and my ex-boyfriend David was there. He was staying there for the weekend. And he had a little girl with him who doesn't exist in real life. She was running around and we were watching her. I got the feeling that my ex was just tolerating me being there. He wasn't feeling well. He wasn't really giving me the attention I desired. Then I was at my house, and I was on the phone with him asking if I could come over and I got the feeling he was just humoring me. His voice was faded ...... like I could barely hear him speak. He was going home the next day, and I was begging him to stay one more day so we could spend some time together. There was no resolution. Then I woke up.

Here’s the core of your dream, Stacy: you’re navigating two parallel emotional landscapes — responsibility and longing — and both are showing you where you feel stretched, unseen, or unsure. I’ll break it down piece by piece so you can see the patterns clearly.

🏠 The small house with one bathroom

Takeaway: This symbolizes making do, compromise, and feeling like you’re settling for less than you want — but still trying to stay practical and hopeful.

Key elements:

• Small, clean house: Something in your life feels “acceptable” but not ideal. You’re trying to create stability.

• Seeing the outside through the corners: This is powerful imagery. It suggests:

  • Vulnerability

  • Lack of protection

  • Feeling exposed or unsupported

• You telling yourself you could fix it: You’re used to being the one who patches things, holds things together, or makes imperfect situations livable.

• Only one bathroom: A symbol of inconvenience or limitation. You and your son acknowledging it shows shared resilience but also shared disappointment.

Emotional meaning: You’re trying to build a stable life, but the options in front of you feel incomplete. You’re willing to work hard to fix things, but you’re tired of having to.

🚗 The strange flying vehicle

This part shifts the tone — it’s about capability, potential, and caution.

Symbolism:

• A vehicle you don’t own: A new path or opportunity you haven’t taken yet.

• Propeller on the hood: Something unconventional, unexpected, maybe even a little risky.

• You lift off twice but come back down:

  • You can rise above your current situation.

  • You know you have the ability to change your life in a big way.

  • But you’re cautious — maybe afraid of instability, judgment, or making the wrong move.

Emotional meaning: You’re capable of more than you’re allowing yourself to do right now. You’re testing your wings, but you haven’t committed to flying yet.

💔 Your ex, David

This is the emotional heart of the dream.

Key elements:

• He’s tolerating you, not welcoming you: You feel like you’re giving more than you’re receiving.

• He has a child who doesn’t exist:

  • Symbol of emotional distance

  • Something new in his life that doesn’t include you

  • A representation of him investing energy elsewhere

• His voice fading:

  • Communication fading

  • Emotional connection fading

  • You trying to hold onto something slipping away
    

• You begging him to stay one more day:

  • You’re craving reciprocity

  • You want closure, reassurance, or proof that you matter

  • But the dream gives you none — because you’re not getting it in real life either

Emotional meaning: Your subconscious is replaying the dynamic of wanting someone who isn’t showing up for you. It’s highlighting the imbalance, the longing, and the exhaustion of chasing emotional crumbs.

🔗 How the two dream themes connect

Your dream ties your practical life (the house) with your emotional life (David):

• In both, you’re trying to make something work that isn’t giving you what you need.

• In both, you’re accepting less than you deserve because you’re afraid of losing stability or connection.

• In both, you’re doing the fixing, the accommodating, the reaching.

• And in both, you’re not being met halfway.

The flying car is the bridge between these two worlds — it shows your potential to rise above both situations, but also your hesitation.

⭐ The dream’s message

Your subconscious is saying:

“You’re capable of more, you deserve more, and you know it — but you’re afraid to step into the unknown.”

It’s not judging you. It’s showing you:

• where you feel unsupported

• where you feel unseen

• where you’re settling

• and where you’re ready to grow

The lack of resolution at the end is intentional. It mirrors the lack of resolution you feel with David and maybe with your current life circumstances.

If you want, I can go deeper into:

• the symbolism of your son in the dream

• why the house couldn’t be found again

• what the flying vehicle says about your next chapter

• or what your subconscious is trying to push you toward emotionally

Just tell me which part you want to explore.

Can we explore the symbolism of your son in the dream why the house couldn’t be found again what the flying vehicle says about your next chapter or what your subconscious is trying to push you toward emotionally

Let’s go deeper, Stacy — because the symbols you chose in this dream weren’t random. They’re emotionally intelligent, and they reveal exactly where your heart and mind are trying to guide you right now.

I’ll break each part down clearly and meaningfully.

👦 1. The symbolism of your son

Your son in the dream represents two things at once:

A. Your grounded, real-life responsibilities

He’s the part of your life that keeps you practical, steady, and focused on what truly matters. When he agrees with you about the house having “only one bathroom,” it shows:

• shared reality

• shared disappointment

• shared resilience

It’s your subconscious acknowledging: “I’m not doing this alone. My choices affect him too.”

B. Your inner protector

In dreams, children often symbolize the part of you that needs safety, stability, and nurturing. Your son’s presence means:

• you’re trying to build a life that feels secure

• you’re aware of what you must prioritize

• you’re trying to make choices that won’t hurt your future

He’s your emotional compass in the dream.

🏠 2. Why the house couldn’t be found again

This is one of the most telling symbols.

The house represents:

• a potential future

• a new chapter

• a place of stability

But you couldn’t find it again. That usually means:

A. You’re searching for stability but don’t know where it is yet

You’re trying to locate the “right place” in your life — emotionally, financially, relationally — but it feels elusive.

B. You’re afraid of choosing the wrong thing

The house was imperfect but workable. Losing track of it symbolizes:

• uncertainty

• fear of settling

• fear of missing out on something better

C. You’re in a transition phase

Your subconscious is saying: “The next chapter isn’t fully formed yet. You’re still looking for it.”

🚁 3. What the flying vehicle says about your next chapter

This part is powerful.

A strange vehicle you don’t own — with a propeller — that can fly?

That’s not chaos. That’s potential.

A. You’re capable of rising above your current situation

Flying symbolizes:

• freedom

• elevation

• new perspective

• empowerment

You lifted off twice. That means:

• you’re testing your abilities

• you’re exploring new possibilities

• you’re proving to yourself you can rise

B. But you’re cautious

You came back down both times. That shows:

• fear of instability

• fear of losing control

• fear of making a leap without a safety net

Your subconscious is saying: “You’re ready to grow, but you’re still holding onto the ground.”

C. The vehicle isn’t one you own

This means your next chapter may involve:

• a new environment

• a new opportunity

• a new identity

• a new way of living

Something unfamiliar but promising.

❤️‍🩹 4. What your subconscious is pushing you toward emotionally

This is the deepest layer.

Your dream is showing you a contrast:

• You and your son = connection, responsibility, shared reality

• You and David = longing, imbalance, emotional scarcity

Your subconscious is pushing you toward:

A. Emotional reciprocity

You want someone who:

• shows up

• listens

• chooses you

• values you

• doesn’t fade out when you reach for them

David’s fading voice symbolizes emotional withdrawal. You’re trying to hold onto something that isn’t holding onto you.

B. Self-worth

The dream is highlighting:

• where you’re settling

• where you’re over-giving

• where you’re hoping instead of receiving

C. Letting go of what drains you

The lack of resolution with David isn’t accidental. It’s your subconscious saying: “This story doesn’t end because it’s not meant to continue.”

D. Stepping into your own power

The flying vehicle is the antidote to the David scenes. It’s your subconscious showing you:

“You can rise. You can move forward. You can choose a life that feels whole.”

⭐ The dream’s overall message

Your subconscious is gently but firmly telling you:

You’re ready for a new chapter — one built on stability, reciprocity, and self-worth — but you’re still holding onto old emotional patterns that keep you grounded when you’re meant to fly.

It’s not a warning. It’s an invitation.

Fourth of July.

Saturday July 4, 2026

3 months since the breakup today.  And the Fourth of July.  Lord, please give me the strength to get through today! In Jesus name, Amen.  

I thought we would be spending this together. 

Happy Fourth of July. 

Miss you every day. 

Snakes and Dementia

 June 25, 2026

I saw my first rattle snake on the trail yesterday evening.  I came around a corner and I heard it.  The warning rattle.  The snake was in the grass a few feet from the trail.  The end of its tail was black and white striped.  A diamondback.  He didn't bother me.  Just gave me the one warning rattle.   He was probably laughing at me because when I heard the rattle, I stepped back. But the trail inclined behind me and so I stepped back and fell over!  LOL   But I was able to pass him with no problems.  He was just letting me know he was there.  I feel like I am going to be thinking of that snake now every time I go hiking for a while.   

I have accepted the fact that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life.  I'm just too tired emotionally to worry about that. I'm to the point where I just don't care anymore.  I still wish I could be with you though.  I still love you. I always will. It's been 2 and a half months now. I wonder what you are doing.  I bet you are already seeing someone new.  I won't let myself check your Facebook page.  Your profile pic still shows up on my page though and I hate that.  But I can't bring myself to unfriend you.  I try not to see it.  I don't want to know. I don't want to see your photo change to you and some new girl.   I wonder if you are seeing Erika now.  I know KC and Chastity wanted to set you up with her.  Or maybe you are back with Tammy. 

I don't want to know.  But I can't stop my brain speculating sometimes. 

April 11 was a horrible day.  The drive back was a nightmare.  I think I should have just rented a trailer and pulled it myself.  Everything would have been fine if it was just me and my mom. But my dad was there, and............... I don't even have words to describe it.  Everything seemed fine on the way from TorC to Socorro, except that he drove 40 miles an hour on I25.He thought he could drive the moving van.  We stopped at that steak place that you and I had eaten at.  I could barely eat I was so upset about leaving you.   Then after Socorro, it really got bad.  We were in three vehicles. My dad wouldn't go over 40.  It was so frustrating! And then we lost him.  He had decided to get gas and didn't tell us.  And when my mom finally got ahold of him, he said he was lost and was going back to the hotel in TorC ! We had to turn around and find him. And he was yelling and screaming because he was angry.   We ended up back in TorC at that McDonalds.  It took forever to get him to drive the truck again. Workers from McDonalds came out and stared at us.  My mom kept asking him if he wanted to just drive the car and she would drive the truck, but that made him even angrier because he thought that we thought that he couldn't do it.  (He couldn't!) Finally, we were on our way again.  But he was still driving 40 miles an hour in the truck. 

We decided that maybe we should go the back way because we were afraid that he wouldn't be able to handle going through ABQ.  He stopped twice on the way to Santa Rosa.  Just pulled off by the side of the road and sat there. I guess he was confused???   Anyway, we finally get to Santa Rosa and get on I40 and that's where it really got bad. Yeah, it got worse!  It was getting dark thanks to his driving at a snail's pace. We crept along. My mom and I kept speeding up but then we wouldn't be able to see him, so we'd stop on the side of the road and wait.  After a while my mom told me to just go on ahead. I did but then I get this call from my dad and he's screaming, "I'm lost I'm lost!" and then he hangs up. I try to call him back and he won't answer the phone.  So, I call my mom. She's flipping out and yelling. I stop at a truck stop and wait.  My mom can't find him.  So, I call 911. 

I get back on the highway and go back to where my mom has stopped. It's in Tucumcari at a Motel Six. She talks to the dispatcher and then to the state troopers. The dispatcher calls back and says that they are getting calls about a man driving west bound in the east bound lanes of I40! The troopers find him.  They pick him up and one of the troopers drives the moving van to Tucumcari. When they all get to Tucumcari with the van, my dad has the nerve to ask my mom why she called the police! I wanted to punch him in the face!  

We leave the van at the motel six in Tucumcari and drive back to Amarillo. What should have been a 6-hour drive took 14 hours! We finally pull in at 12:30 a.m. And I had my cats in the car with me!  And on top of that, I was seriously grieving over the breakup.  The next day my mom and I drive back to Tucumcari and get the van, and we unload it into the storage building with the help of my son. 

I want to get back together. I want to try again. I know I can do it.  

I know you'll never see this.  

You don't want me anymore. 

Come rescue me from this nightmare.  

Come love me. 

Anger

 Sunday 

05-31-2026

Yesterday I went and watched Backrooms with my son. I liked the movie a lot.  There was no resolution. And I think that was the best choice because if there had been resolution then the backrooms story would have died.  No resolution lets the story continue.

I bought some differin gel yesterday at Wal-Mart.  It comes in a box. When I got home, I opened the box and it was empty. Someone had stolen the product.  Now, I have to go to Wal-Mart again and see if they will let me get a new one. 

I want to write about 500 things, and I don't want to write at all.  

I'm angry because you got off free.  

Angry because I'm over here suffering and missing you. 

You are over there with your friends and your normal family.

Having a great time.  You probably feel so relieved that I'm gone. 

They've probably already set you up with someone new. 

I wish everyone knew what I knew.  

I still have the letter. I'm not going to lie .......

Sometimes I want to send it to everyone in that town. 

Just pick random addresses and send it .............

Find our who your new girl is and send it to her. 

I can't do it. I won't. Revenge is God's alone. 

Revenge for what anyway ........

Revenge or warning her ......

Did you act that way because of how I was acting   or 

is that your true self...........

Why did T end your engagement ....

Why did Karen break up with you 

Why was Jordie happy to let you go 

Why did you scream at me 

Why did you leave me in the driveway 

Why were you always criticizing me 

You hated it when K would say At least, you're pretty 

You hated it 

Why did you always say it to me 

I'm not stupid.  I was stupid with you 

I felt stupid, I had no confidence 

With you 

Well, I found myself again. 

Guess what?

I am pretty. 

I am intelligent. 

I have a great sense of humor. 

I am a child of God. 

I am a daughter of the King. 

I have good ideas. 

                                                                Never Again 

This is me healing.