I did cardio and abs work out today. I still have thoughts that I'm doing this to show David that .... what ........what he lost? I don't think that's healthy. I need to do this for me. To prove to myself that I can be the best version of me. At least the best version of me that I can afford.
So yes. That. But a part of me wants to show him that I can be someone that he can't get.
But I've read a lot about men and the truth is, I don't think he cares. I highly doubt that he thinks about me at all. He's happy I'm gone.
I haven't let myself check his social media. I don't want to know if he is with someone new.
We are still Facebook friends. I haven't posted anything on Facebook since before I left on April 11. I think I posted on April 10 when I changed my background photo. I think about posting sometimes, but I'm just not ready. I have a lot of stuff to post though. I can post them on here. Of course no one will see them since this blog is private.
So, what is it about validation from other people and how it makes us feel about ourselves? This world is all about validation from people. We should be getting our validation from God.
But its lonely. I'm lonely.
I have no real friends to speak of. I have no job. No boyfriend. No savings. No retirement. I don't have my own place.
I really screwed up my life. I'm afraid I'm going to have to go work at Walmart. No one will hire me. I've been on interviews for jobs I am more than qualified to fill. I've applied to jobs I am more than qualified to fill. But no one will hire me. It's been 3 and a half months. I'm starting to think that everyone hates me in this town. Someone has blacklisted me.
Sometimes I think I should have stayed in New Mexico. At least I had a job. I could have rented a little place. But I would have been in that little town, and David would still be there. And his family. And the woman who I told to stay away from my boyfriend. I didn't think I could face them. I am so ashamed of how I acted. And I would have run into David because the town is tiny. And I would have seen him with his new girl.
Maybe I should have stayed. My mom didn't think that was a good idea. And my counselor doesn't think it was a good idea to stay.
I hate staying with my parents!!! There is no peace in this house.
I have to admit it. I think about suicide on a daily basis.
Maybe things will get better.
Maybe God is working in my life.
No, I know he is working in my life.
But I seriously hate my life right now. This is not fun. But it's my fault.
I am dealing with 4 major things.
1. Grief
2. Unemployment
3.Social Isolation
4. Loss of Independence
All the while trying to re-define myself to become the best version of myself.
Grief because I had to walk away from the man I love. Grief is hard. Grief is messy.
Unemployment because I gave up my job and moved back home. And dealing with unemployment means dealing with rejection after rejection after rejection. It's a major blow to a self-esteem that is already damaged by the breakup.
Social Isolation because I have no friends. But that's a whole other story. I used to belong to a book club with a group of girls I used to work with, but I don't have a lot of money to go to their functions right now. Also, none of them are calling to see if I'm okay. I know they have their own lives. But I don't think I was any one's favorite person. I am the invisible one that no one thinks about, and I don't know how to fix that. This also affects my self-esteem. It's not fun to imagine that no one anywhere likes you. Even or especially when it's your own fault.
Loss of Independence because I have no job and I have to stay with my parents until I can get one and get back on my feet. Also, because they are toxic and have serious issues and are always fighting.
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